Tuesday, March 15, 2011

You won't be jolly after eating a Jolly Roger

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Jolly Rogers are at best unoriginal – at worst debilitating. "Bursting with Bold Fruit Flavor"? More like bursting with evil. Accidentally bite down on a Jolly Roger and in return it will viciously, violently, voraciously rip your fillings from their comfortable, happy home in your mouth. This one tiny candy will make you choke down bits of dental-grade porcelain, sending you to painful hours in the dentist's chair. Enjoy Sour Apple? Enjoy these sour grapes: The tart acids and sugar will corrode your defenseless, wholesome tooth enamel like battery acid. At 17 calories each, Jolly Rogers might seem like a prudent indulgence, but you are deceived. Jolly Rogers are miscreants – a counterculture confection masquerading as a harmless hard candy while waiting to drag you behind the bushes and ravish your teeth. Don't be fooled. Eat [marshmallows] and keep your teeth.

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Names were changed to protect the innocent. (Innocent = me! Don't sue me, bro.) This is another short writing piece from a rhetoric class. The assignment was to use only 150 words to write an Invective warning about the evil nature of a specific candy. We had to use various rhetorical schemes and tropes. I love Jolly Rogers, but I had to take a shot at somebody. The "evil" of Jolly Rogers was so prevalent in my parents' circles that even those of us who did not have fillings were not allowed to eat Jolly Rogers for fear of our teeth accidentally being pulled out from the roots or some such silliness. Or at least, that's what my 5 year old mind chose to remember. :)

Extra credit super bonus points and bragging rights to anyone who names the rhetorical schemes and tropes!


  1. I can't remember banning Jolly Rogers when you were young. I know I did limit sugar, but not anything in particular!

  2. Nope! You didn't ban them. WE joyfully consumed Jolly Rogers at the pool. Weren't they 5cents for a small candy and 15cents for the big one? It was some of the parents in your "circle" who went on a Jolly Roger Jihad.

  3. FYI - they are called Jolly Ranchers

  4. Jeff: Too true! I changed the name so as not to provoke the brand with my silly little writing assignment. Thanks so much for commenting!


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